E4: It's not heavy, it's my Big Brother

Freeview box owners rejoice! No longer do your days have to be filled with aimless channel surfing, furiously zapping for something worth watching only to stop and ponder how many lobotomies QVC presenters go through. Those days are over, because E4 is finally coming to Freeview on Friday -- and it's renowned as the place to see the best new shows like The West Wing and The Sopranos, and other things you secretly love but would never admit to in public (like Desperate Housewives).

Well, sod all that effort providing quality programming, because it's much easier for E4 to launch a new channel on the back of 24/7 Big Brother coverage. So instead of drama and comedy, you can look forward to a month of charisma-free twenty-somethings taking part in increasingly gladiatorial-style games for your amusement, while the ever-present threat of violence and fornication provides front cover material for every tabloid in the land. Isn't television great?

If this sounds like your idea of fun, you can find E4 on Freeview channel 14. If you wonder where Crave has gone, we'll be ritually piercing our ear drums and detaching our retinas for the duration. -GC