Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the union of two young people we've never met with a torrent of cheap tat. Yes, to celebrate the royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, the Carphone Warehouse has announced a celebratory special-edition Royal Wedding Alcatel One Touch mobile phone.
Like the blushing bride, the phone is common as muck. It's an Alcatel One Touch with a Union Jack on the front and the royal couple's initials and wedding date emblazoned on the back. The patriotic print is worth 15 of the groom's gran's English pounds, apparently, because the OT-209 costs just 1p normally -- but buying that when you have the option of a royal version is treason or something.
The phone boasts a 1.5-inch screen for displaying a royal-themed wallpaper. It also includes a ringtone of the Wedding March. It's a perfect gift for royal-watchers, wedding fans and simpering simpletons.
The horse-faced happy couple say "I do" on 25 April. Street parties will be taking place across this green and pleasant land, and we have two four-day weekends in a row to look forward to. That'll just about make up for having to look at all the wedding-themed tat flooding the Internet.
We do apologise for inflicting this bilge upon you, but we have to share some of the tenuous marketing nonsense that's been clogging up our inbox since the noble nuptials were announced. Hey, at least they've got the right prince.
Will you be waving a flag outside Westminster Abbey or defragging your hard drive with a sheet over your head, muttering darkly about Ollie Cromwell having the right idea? Give us a royal variety performance in the comments or on our aristocratic Facebook wall.