It's no secret that one of America's biggest contributions to Western society has been fat people. And it's spreading. Britain is becoming as bloated as our overseas friends and all it's doing is giving Daily Mail readers more things to complain about.
Fortunately, Japan stepped in and gave us Wii Fit. It was the East's way of saying, "Oh hai, you no can has cheezburger, you can has rice and exercise. It build small stomach, happy mind, rich experiences for all family!"
But some people just want to play cool games and not lose any weight. Here are four ways to abuse the fundamental principles of Wii Fit, without losing out on any of the balance board-fuelled fun. Go nuts (on nuts), podgesters! -Nate Lanxon
Hi, I'm Nate Lanxon and according to Nintendo, I'm slightly overweight.
A lot of geeks spend the days they're not at work blowing up buildings and running prostitutes over in stolen cars. But they also like to play video games. Wii Fit aims to take this love of video games but get you fit at the same time.
The problem is, while the game's really original, some people just can't be bothered waving their arms and hips round like a bloke having a seizure, so someone needs to find out how to play the game without exerting any more energy than you'd need to shove cake in your fat mouth.
Enter Nate. Here are my four favourite ways for you to play Wii Fit without
Welcome to Wii Fat.
First things first, and I've got to register. Okay, so I'm 5'10", but ol' Bossy McBalance-Board doesn't know that, so we'll go with... Enter 6'2".
Well here's the first way to lose a few pounds without breaking into an uncontrollable sweat. This T-shirt clearly weighs at least a pound, and these jeans are probably 3 or 4 pounds or so.
Wii Fit relies on motion and pressure detection so it knows what you're doing and if you're idle, like me. And although this thing can calculate more math problems in one second than me, chances are I can still outsmart it. I think we'll start with some aerobics - jogging looks like a lark.
I'll be sitting down jiggling the Wiimote up and down for a few seconds - camera can cut between me and the screen.
I don't know about you, but when I've completed a jog, there's nothing better than a good session of lunges with a chick whose lips don't move. Thankfully, the Wii caters to this very desire.
At this point I'll re-assess my weight after putting on a shirt. I'll tell the Wii I'm now wearing an extra pound of clothing, so it should congratulate me on having lost a pound or two in one day.
Wii Fit's not just about getting nice tight buttocks -- you can also put your feet up and get some experience on the slopes. Fortunately, again, the impeccable intellect of the human being can outsmart a chirpy, pressure-sensitive balance board.
Now for the truly bone idle -- and even this goes a little too far for me -- it is possible to use the balance board as a hand-held controller. It's a bit of a laugh with the "Heading Footballs" game, though to be quite honest, it takes more effort to cheat than it does to just play the damn game as Nintendo intended.
We'll have some generic footage of the game being played to use as cut-aways through these two paragraphs. Perhaps slightly slowed-down black and white versions of me cheating, as seen earlier in the video - kind of like a retrospective look at the ways people have just seen me cheat?
So maybe, after all this, the £70 Wii Fit really is just for determined cake addicts. No matter how you try and cheat the system to play it like a more conventional collection of mini-games, it's going to get you fit and it will make you lose weight. But to be honest, £70 will be you a big cake. I'm Nate Lanxon and I like cake. See you next time.
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