The 30 dumbest videogame titles ever

By Nate Lanxon on 27 March 2008, 10:21am

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Animals are even dumber than humans

Barbie Horse Adventure
Xbox, PS2 - 2003

Premise: Barbie rides a horse, while looking for a flock of other horses that managed to get themselves lost.

Of all the things we've envisioned doing with Barbie, having her ride a horse comes right below having her visit a dentist or paint a fence. A far more enjoyable blend of large-chested plastic women and the equestrian lifestyle would be akin to Dead or Alive, only instead of Kasumi and Ryu, it's Barbie and a ruddy great shirehorse.

Attack of the Mutant Camels
Atari - 1983

Premise: A bunch of enormous yellow camels are making their way to your base. Since you're fond of your base, you must massacre them from a plane.

Camels are hilarious. Slaying hundreds of them as they shoot fireballs from their mouths borders on the insane, which is why this game was so riveting. Why this hasn't been made for our current generation of consoles is beyond us. Stick Barbie on the back of a mutant camel and you've got yourself a AAA title.

Extreme Sports with the Berenstain Bears
Game Boy Colour - 2000

Premise: Kayaking, dirt biking and tobogganing are just three of the half-dozen sports you can force on a bunch of innocent bears for your sick pleasures.

This game was not well-received, and fortunately no-one has attempted to meld extreme sports with woodland mammals since. Dancing on Hot Coal with the Berenstain Bears might've had greater success, or perhaps Decapitating Wandering Campers with the Berenstain Bears. If no one makes these soon, we're starting our own development company.

Ninja Hamster
Commodore 64 - 1987

Premise: A hamster -- radioactive, of course -- with martial arts skills, takes on various opponents in this rodent beat 'em up.

Seriously, of all the animals in the world you could assign ninja skills to, they choose the one with the stumpiest little arms and legs. If you're making a ninja animal game, pick something that stands a chance of being a decent ninja. A giraffe, maybe; get some ninja neck action going on.

Frogger: Helmet Chaos
Nintendo DS, PSP - 2005

Premise: You play a frog. Stop a bloke destroying your home by jumping around various landscapes. There's some chaos to be had, but disappointingly not in the anatomical region the title so coyly alludes to.

We have to admit, Helmet Chaos didn't fill us with excitement over and above the normal thrill we'd feel about playing the role of a restless amphibian. Maybe we need more overt genitalia gags.