We hate fanboys. We hate them with a special kind of passion that's almost impossible to put into words, but guess what -- we angrily bashed our keyboards today and some stuff came out that sort of sums up our feelings on the matter.
We respect brand loyalty, sure, but there's nothing worse than a person who's so fanatical, so blindly loyal, so wedded to their favourite tech company and its products, or their own stubborn viewpoints, that they'll turn aggressively and with abysmal spelling on anyone who disagrees.
Not all fanboys are created equal. That's why we've put together a list of the seven very worst types of fanboy we've ever encountered online, for your reading pleasure (*spits*).
#7 -- Linux Lames
For every 400 million Windows or Mac users on the planet there are four or five Linux users swearing blind (mostly because they can't see through their unruly facial hair) that Linux is the greatest computer operating system known to man. The Linux fanboy is usually a solitary beast, but often surfaces with some anti-corporate nonsense when Mac and Windows users are having a private conversation about a proper OS.
When the Linux fanboy isn't sticking his face where it's not wanted, he's busy catfighting with other Linux users because none of them can decide whether Ubuntu, Chromium, Yggdrasil or some other brand of pointless, super-niche Linux distribution is the flavour of the ponytailed month.
#6 -- Sega Suckers
Let's get one thing straight -- all video game fanboys are hugely annoying (hi there, WoW nerds!), but we reserve a special disdain in our spleens for the Sega fanboy. For reasons we haven't fathomed as yet, he still roams message boards, blindly oblivious to the fact Sega isn't anywhere near as good it thought it was back in the 90s, throwing barbs at innocent Wii owners, and reminiscing about games that feature spiky blue Mario rip-offs.
You can spot a Sega fanboy a mile off. They're the ones still waxing lyrical that the Dreamcast was the best console on the planet because Dead or Alive 2 had marginally better anti-aliasing on the DC it did on the PS2. Thankfully, they won't be around for much longer, as it's only a matter of time before the last Sega fanboy passes away of terminal disappointment in his own sorry wasted existence.
#5 -- Nokia Numpties
Nokia used to run the mobile phone industry, but it dropped the ball and had its market share ripped from its grasp by, ooh, just about every company that wanted a piece. Despite this, and despite several lacklustre attempts to claw things back, the Nokia fanboy will not hear a bad word said about the Finnish flop. This stubbornness manifested itself most spectacularly with the launch of the Nokia N8 -- a feature-festooned handset that was supposed to be Nokia's second coming. But wasn't.
We thought it was average at best, scoring it 3 out of 5, which prompted the Nokia hordes to flock to our message boards, with countless barbs at our innocent reviewer. "Why haven't your boss fired you yet?" one frothed. "You don't want it because you are from UK and you would never be able to say that people from EU has delivered a phone which represent the most complete package," gibbered another.
When every other tech site in the entire world agreed that it wasn't much cop and it failed to convince any punters to buy it, we wrote a piece explaining exactly why these raging ranters had been wrong all along. And it felt good.
#4 -- Feeble Fandroids
Google's Android mobile OS started as a humble alternative to the iPhone's iOS platform, but it's risen quickly through the ranks, bringing with it an army of passionate superfans. They're here every day, trolling the CNET UK comments in force -- ready to pounce on any mildly critical bit of press about their beloved smart phone OS or any handset that uses it.
They were out in force when CNET UK staffer Luke Westaway wrote an opinion piece on why Android is killing itself with updates. Within moments of hitting the 'post' button, the 'droid lovers came out of the woodwork. "Luke Westaway how much did apple pay you?" asked one anonymous moron. "Having a big banner at the top of the page that says Opinion Luke Westaway is equivalent to having a sign on a toilet door that says Dont go in here, someone's just done a massive steaming dump," said another. Delightful.
We were merely trying to highlight how the OS could be improved and this is the reaction we get? Charming.
#3 -- Apple Addicts
Apple fanboys get picked on an awful lot, but that's because these drones are such an easy, smug target. Not only do they worship Apple's products, they evangelise them even when they're flawed. iPhone antenna loses reception? No big deal, stop moaning. Apple tracking your whereabouts surreptitiously through your handset? It doesn't matter. Are there rival products that are as good or better than their Apple equivalents? They don't want them, because they're "creative".
These are people who will buy absolutely anything Apple-related, regardless of whether they have a use for said product. What's more, they'll queue overnight outside a freezing Apple store waiting for that new iThing even though they could just have easily bought it from a shop the following day without standing in line next to weirdos.
These are people that, after the very mildest of teasing from ex-CNETter Flora Graham about the iPhone being the worst phone in the world, lashed out inexplicably. "It's nit the worst phone in the world," blathered one, obviously affected by the handset's rubbish virtual keyboard. "I can't believe an adult is saying this," moaned another. "The iPhone does NOT burn off your face." We pity you all, we really do.
#2 -- Electric Car Evangelists
Nobody actually buys electric cars. The government offered 46,000 people a £5,000 discount on buying an EV, yet just 768 people took advantage of the offer in the first three quarters of 2011. And yet, despite this outstanding level of apathy, electric car fanatics will emerge to hunt you down like a dog the minute anything negative is said about that mode of transport.
We know this because we once had the gall to highlight the fact that electric cars simply weren't ready for mainstream use. "No big oil propaganda hit piece will change my mind," dribbled one reader, who presumably went on to never buy an electric car. "Lame article. Why the anti-electric propoganda?" asked a second genius. "I drive an electric car every day," said indignant Red Dwarf actor Robert Llewellyn, conveniently omitting the fact he'd been loaned one for free.
They're a vicious bunch, these EV aficionados. Mess with them and their beloved, almost nonexistent motors, at your peril.
#1 -- Anyone who comments on YouTube
YouTube commenters aren't fans of anything in particular. In fact, the opposite is true -- they hate absolutely everything they cast their vengeful little eyes on. At best, their comments manifest as incoherent gibberish, or a simple "first" (usually at least fourth in the comments thread). All too often, however, their comments take the form of hateful, ignorant vitriol that makes you question your faith in humanity.
There, we've had our rant and now we feel slightly better. Actually that's not strictly true -- it's reminded us that most of the people we interact with on a daily basis have some sort of horrific emotional problem and the literacy of a 6-year-old, but at least it's all off our chests and out in the open.
Have we missed any truly awful fanboys off the list? Let us know in the comments below or over on our unusually friendly Facebook page. Keep it clean though, yeah? And maybe turn on your browser's spellcheck.