Anonymous User

IN CRAVE

Crave Talk: Apple, don't make me jump!

We've reached an interesting point in Apple's media-darling status when Joy of Tech runs cartoons in which journalists are driven to commit suicide on discovering that Apple will not be holding a 30th anniversary event. Personally, I'm there. I'm literally out on the window ledge. There is a collective fear that, come Saturday, the section of the wall-planner marked 'cover massive Apple announcement' will read like a cruel morality tale. Seppuku may be rather fiddly, but if Apple doesn't deliver, will there be any choice for the self-respecting hack but to die with honour?

In an industry that is largely uninventive with its showmanship, Apple knows how to draw a crowd. Companies like Microsoft rain screenshots of products like Vista for years before their release, but Apple sits quiet and tight-lipped. If there's anything that drives me crazy, it's a company openly keeping things from us. If there's anything that drives me foaming rabid, it's when that company is Apple.

Ever since Apple launched the 20th anniversary Mac, fans have anticipated a radical new Mac design at every significant milestone. Despite no anniversary Mac before Apple's 20th, there was plenty of speculation on their 25th that the company would release a 'special Mac' to mark the occasion, yet there was nothing. Now the company is hitting the big three-oh, it seems strange to imagine the event might pass without something to mark it.

As always, there are rumours of products: a touchscreen iPod here, a gamer's iMac there, an Apple phone -- but Apple hasn't announced a press event. Judging from the frenzy the rumour sites have built up, you'd guess that Steve Jobs will at least have to walk out onto the lawn in Cupertino, light a few fireworks and make some whooping noises. It's that or risk an international incident.

Screenshots of a new touchscreen iPod (most of them demonstrably fake) have appeared on MacRumors, along with an old patent Apple filed that might support this idea, while Mac OS Rumors posted a story on the rumoured iPhone. More fuel for this fire comes from Australian site Smarthouse, who posted a story earlier in the month suggesting Apple was sourcing parts for the iPhone from Taiwanese manufacturers. Unfortunately, all the other references to the phone also use this antipodean news piece as their only source. Predictably, dubious photographs of posters like this are also circulating.

As the blogging world watches and waits for what Saturday will bring, our sense of excitement is tinged with fear. The sash window is drawn, my rings are in the top drawer, I've written a short poem on a Post-it note, and iTunes is playing Counting Crows. The stage is set. Don't make me do it Apple, don't make me jump! -Chris Stevens

PermaLink

Email this

Comments (26)

Hands-on with the Olympus DS-50 voice recorder

Q&A: Is Nokia Comes With Music a good deal?

Nokia Comes With Music to launch on 16 October

Nokia expected to launch Comes With Music today

Comments

ilene HoffmanThu 30 March, 2006 4:42pm

Great little article. Made me smile!

SupeThu 30 March, 2006 5:40pm

That poster has been around since 2004 or earlier. http://www.russellbeattie.com/notebook/1008182.html
It doesnt even have a call or hang up button. Doesnt seem possible to be a usefull phone. Apple would never make a product that they thought about 2-3 years ago. Outdated. That would be like the long rumored iWalk (looked awesome) I would have bought one right away but to bring it out now would be outdated. They would have something simular to the video ipod mock ups. I agree I am chewing at the bit wanting something to come out yesturday so that my life can be a little more complete, but steve is the apple GOD and he has not made all of my dreams come true yet. I want the iphone the ipodav with built in processor osx.small and pda etc all in one, a tablet mac, a 30th anniv something. I want more than ever to work for steve , but I still wait. I hope not long PLEASE STEVE!! we love apple. I am addicted and that is why they do it.

AnonymousThu 30 March, 2006 5:55pm

Go ahead and jump, do us all a favor and rid the world of one more rabid sheep, nonplussed and vacuously glass eyes transfixed towards Cupertino California. Before you get all huffy, I have an emac and a powerbook, and I am as excited as any for the 30th anniversary. HOWEVER, the cult of mac needs to take a tip from jonestown and drink the Kool-Aid. This is ridiculous people, I know it's all in the spirit of fun and jest, but come on, suicide is not a laughing matter, and even in jest suggesting suicide because a computer company may not release the next big thing trivializes the seriousness of the problem of suicide. Wait, actually, all of you, yes, go ahead and jump, rid the world of your salivating anticipation, your worthless clogging of these message boards with your cruelly tantalizing and teasing mock-ups of video ipods and posters of iphones. Mac is a fluke juggernaut, and I hope you silly people realize your worship of this company is really kind of...sad.

AnonymousThu 30 March, 2006 6:32pm

i agree.

AnonymousThu 30 March, 2006 6:54pm

I second that.

AnonymousThu 30 March, 2006 6:55pm

I second that.

DannySat 1 April, 2006 8:32pm

Did you jump yet Douchebag? *Listens for telltale whistling descent noise followed by hilarious splat*

AnonymousThu 30 March, 2006 6:32pm

You are pretty sick to joke about suicide. I hope Cnet fires you for apple's 30th.

AnonymousSat 15 April, 2006 11:18am

Lord Moofie,

Please continue helping enlighten all of us with your wisdom. Many people will ignore you as they're not ready to be enlightened, but rest assured there are some of us that know you speak the truth, and are anxiously awaiting future communications from you.

Regards,
Charles Albert

AnonymousThu 30 March, 2006 6:59pm

Jump! Who gives a &$%^ about what Apple do or don't do?

AnonymousThu 30 March, 2006 7:16pm

stfu, you moronic windows enthusiasts. just because you are too stupid to comprehend the benefits of a system or simply cant afford one doesnt mean its obsolete.

AnonymousThu 30 March, 2006 7:47pm

I'd like to see a photo of you "literally" on the window ledge. I don''t believe that you're really there. Proof please, as ethically required when presenting apparently inaccurate facts.

AnonymousThu 30 March, 2006 8:48pm

Apple actually did have an anniversary design prior to the 20th debacle. The 10th Anniversary //GS. A great machine!

AnonymousThu 30 March, 2006 8:52pm

Joking about suicide really isn't cool....plain and simple.

AnonymousThu 30 March, 2006 10:05pm

You poor souls. Joking about suicide is absurdly funny. That's the only way we'll ever solve the damn problem - with laughter.

MartyThu 30 March, 2006 10:20pm

There's a strange distortion of reality (not related to Jobs) when the media reports that there is nothing to report. Everyone in the Apple-sphere seems to be making a huge deal out of the 30th Anniversary except Apple.

Nothing is going to happen, or there would have been a media-invite sent out by now.

AnonymousThu 30 March, 2006 11:02pm

wow, if that's all it's gonna take man, then let's hope apple's silent on saturday. Also, realize that if you DON'T do it if they fail to make an announcement, that'll pretty much make you the biggest jerk on the planet... sooo let me know where to show up with the camera :)

AnonymousFri 31 March, 2006 4:43am

Not Funny.

Argon52Fri 31 March, 2006 5:38am

I would be happy if they brought out a Universal version of Final Cut Express HD! They did it with pro...now the rest of us that can not affford the big pro version are screaming for a universal version! Please Apple!

EfthimiosFri 31 March, 2006 9:46am

Cnet should ask for registration before posting here.

While someone dying is not the most funny thing in the world, I do not agree that the writer of the story done anything bad and while I do not like the "crazy" talking in favour of certain companies, it is hardly difficult to see through them if you have at least some experience online.

AnonymousSun 2 April, 2006 3:27am

AAAAH! Dont worry about this.

I think this guy is a huge Apple/and all things Apple fan. like me!, and besides everyone worth their price in gold in the IT industry, Apple Developer's (especially me for instance) seem to all have a warped and twisted sense of humor (also Black humor, like getting things getting killed, etc etc, and blowing up and setting fire to Windows PC's in Apple's Carpark at 1 Infinite Loop on iMovie videos etc).

It was 'Being Executed' for being unintuitive and buggy, and unproductive!, I really appreciated the iMovie, especially when I saw it not long after a stupid Windoze PC, where I worked was running Windoze ME, and it suddenly decided to eradicate my 57 page document that I was typing up for a thesis after I had saved it and kept saving it as I alwys do. I was so livid that day I remember, having to type all that out again! what a waste of over and hour!

I Remember older the old Read-Me's and Developer documentation, that was full of humor. And anyway, I enjoyed the Joy of Tech comics, and have ordered the best of the Joy of tech book.

Anyway... HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY APPPLE!. and one to make their RAM grow in size!

Chris.

AnonymousFri 31 March, 2006 10:44am

Of course suicide's funny. I did it 3 times last week and loved it.

AnonymousSat 1 April, 2006 12:46am

Sorry, no sympathy from me.
When you live in a walled garden, you realize your dependancy on the grounds keeper.

AnonymousSat 1 April, 2006 12:46am

No sympathy from me.
When you live in a walled garden, you realize your dependancy on the grounds keeper.

Aunt Ony's MooseSun 2 April, 2006 4:30am

Darwin says: JUMP

AnonymousSun 2 April, 2006 2:27pm

take a look at this pic The reflection tells a story.
You have to download it and make it brighter
http://www.flickr.com/photos/16306713@N00/