Alright you 'orrible lot! You walk in here with yer 'aircuts and yer colourful socks like you don't know you're born. You don't deserve a camera as tough as the Panasonic Lumix DMC-FT10! You're not leaving this article until we've transformed you into a lean, mean, photo-snapping machine just like this 'ere camera. Now drop and give us 20!
The FT10 is waterproof to 3 metres depth. You look like the only thing that would get you down to 3 metres is a housebrick in your Y-fronts. Into the ice-cold training pool! A hundred lengths!
The FT10 is also shockproof. We reckon you raw recruits couldn't cope with the shock of running out of Jaffa Cakes. No moving on to the next paragraph until you too can survive a fall from 1.5 metres -- on to your face.
Now we're getting somewhere, Craver -- maybe we'll make a manly man's man of you yet. The next test involves a spell in the freezer as the FT10 is freezeproof to -10 degrees. You'll be parachuting into Iceland and bivouacking in the crispy pancake section. Good luck.
Tests completed: you've earned your wings. You can now proudly enjoy the FT10's 4x optical zoom and 69mm (2.7-inch) screen in a choice of blue, red, silver or black uniforms, while glowering at everyone under 30 and muttering darkly about national service.
The Panasonic Lumix DMC-FT10 arrives later this year. Right, this is the bit where we crisply salute each other, lips quivering.