What do Idi Amin, Adolf Hitler and Jeremy Kyle all have in common? The answer is that none of them were or are as poisonous to humanity as the Hummer H2, as scary-looking as the Rolls-Royce Phantom Jonckheere or as deadly as the Ford Pinto.
Cars, in case you hadn't realised, are bloody evil -- some more so than others. Many just look evil, sending chills down your spine the minute their heinous, retina-spooking bodywork rolls into view. Others are more proactive in their malevolence, spewing toxic fumes into the sky and slowly destroying our entire planet, while others do their best to kill and maim anyone stupid enough to simply get inside.
We've had personal run-ins with cars from all three categories in our time, and enough is enough. For the good of all humanity, we've created this list to warn you, dear readers, about the types of cars that threaten our eyeballs, our planet and our personal safety. Read on and then spread the word.
11. Maybach Exelero
Notice that cold chill rushing through your veins? That's not the British winter. It's the evil emanating from the Exelero -- a high-performance sports car built by Mercedes-Benz's luxury Maybach division. The car isn't being used by the public -- there's only one of them in existence and it's currently testing Fulda tyres on high-speed circuits. That's a good thing, though. If there were any more Exeleros, they'd rise up and enslave all humanity.
There's something really eerie about this car. The glint in its headlights and the massive front grille give it an expression that leads us to believe it's sentient -- possessed, even. Possession, or some sort of pact with the devil, would actually make sense, because we can't work out how else this 2.66-tonne monster (it's heavier than a Land Rover Discovery) is able to reach a top speed of 218mph. If you see one of these pull up alongside you, do yourself a favour -- run, hide and tell your mum you love her, because you might not be going home again any time soon.
10. Rolls-Royce Phantom Jonckheere
Crafted in 1925 from the bones of a million innocent puppies, the Phantom Jonckheere is, hands down, the most terrifying Rolls-Royce ever built. It was created at a time when people were used to seeing enormous cars, but the Jonckheere, with its ludicrous dimensions and circular doors, dropped jaws and caused underwear to be soiled like no other.
This black model looks as if it was created exclusively for use by dictators and child snatchers, or as a weekend runabout for the four horsemen of the apocalypse when their death steeds are being serviced. If it pulled up alongside you, you'd drop down and surrender, even if its driver were simply asking for directions to the shops. It's that bad-ass.
9. TVR Sagaris
This TVR car gets its name from the sagaris, the ancient Greek term for a lightweight battle axe used by the Scythians to penetrate the armour (and skulls) of people they didn't like very much. It's an apt name, because, like the weapon, the Sagaris doesn't have any active safety features whatsoever. The only thing that keeps this car on the road is its desire to terrify the life out of those who drive it.
It wouldn't have been particularly difficult for TVR to implement active safety features -- many governments around the world actively encourage this sort of thing -- but the company simply didn't bother. The company's chairman, the late Peter Wheeler, once claimed that his cars were actually safer without anti-lock brakes, and that airbags were unnecessary because TVRs were "relatively safe upside down" as "proven by customers". Buy this bad boy at your own risk.
8. Cadillac Eldorado
The Eldorado was named after the peaceful resort in California's Coachella Valley. But the car was anything but peaceful. Not only did it look belligerent, but it was also rather prone to endangering the lives of anyone naive enough to get behind the wheel.
Over 100,000 Eldorados were equipped with an airbag that had a tendency to violently deploy in people's faces, smashing their teeth to smithereens -- not when the car was involved in an accident but whenever its electronics got wet. Spill a drink or drive in the rain in this bad boy and you were going to pay... the dentist.
As if that weren't cruel enough, the engine in nearly half a million Eldorados had a condition whereby the nylon tubing used in the fuel-rail system could degrade and crack, potentially leading to an explosion. If you wanted false teeth, burnt flesh and a side order of death, this was the car for you.
7. Hummer H2
The Humvee was originally designed for use in war zones, where it would be put to use crushing the hopes, dreams and skulls of natives that dared resist the ways of the US of A. That was the theory, anyway. The reality was that the H2 wasn't all that tough. Scores of soldiers died due to the vehicle's lack of armour, hopeless manoeuvrability, and a rate of acceleration that could be measured in weeks.
The car wasn't much safer in conflict-free cities, either. According to a study conducted by the US National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, if you were involved in a car crash with an SUV like the H2, you were 3.4 times more likely to be killed than if you were hit by an ordinary vehicle.
Even drivers and passengers in the Hummer weren't safe. Because the car weighed a massive 3.4 tonnes, it was extremely difficult to stop, and nigh on impossible to manoeuvre.
Then there was the small matter of the planet-destroying carbon emissions of 412g/km, and single-digit fuel economy rivalled only by the Space Shuttle Challenger. The bottom line was that it didn't matter if you were driving the H2 in Iraq or Inverness -- somebody, somewhere was going to die as a result.
6. Ferrari 612 Scaglietti
Many people wrongly believe 4x4s are the worst offenders when it comes to polluting the air, but supercars like the Ferrari 612 Scaglietti put the Hummer H2 to shame. It's a two-door, four-seater model designed to ferry a driver and three passengers on long journeys at nearly 200mph. Unfortunately, its massive, 5.7-litre V12 engine really is poisonous to the environment.
It spews a gargantuan 470g of carbon dioxide per kilometre, which is 58g/km more than the Hummer H2, and over five times more than the latest Toyota Prius. If you were to suffer the misfortune of being stuck behind a 612 Scaglietti in traffic for a long time, you'd inhale enough carbon dioxide to develop every type of lung disease known to man, and the inside of your face would turn black. It's that noxious.
5. Chery Amulet
It's difficult to believe that the China-built Chery Amulet was based on the second-generation Volkswagen Golf, because the Golf is a pretty decent car. The Amulet, on the other hand, was a demonstrably dangerous piece of junk that could kill you and everyone you love in a heartbeat.
Have a look at this video footage of it being crashed in a Euro NCAP safety test. Note how it crushes and folds like a rusty beer can. Following this test --in which it scored a worse mark than the one-star-out-of-five Brilliance BS6 -- the crash-test dummy was so badly mangled that they had to cut it into pieces in order to remove it from its twisted metal tomb.
4. Toyota Prius
The Prius was designed to save the world, but, in 2010, Toyota didn't know whether the car was coming or going -- literally. Many owners complained that the car suffered from sudden unintended acceleration, causing the Prius -- not to mention a few of Toyota's other vehicles -- to lurch towards the horizon as if it were on a kamikaze mission.
The car's problems were extremely serious. According to the US National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, the Prius was involved in 6,200 incidents of sudden unintended acceleration.
The NHTSA's report noted that the problem may have been a factor in nearly 100 deaths and 57 injuries between 2000 and 2010. The US government fined Toyota $16.4m for not announcing the problem quickly enough, and more than 8 million Toyota vehicles were eventually recalled worldwide.
3. Ford Bronco II
The Ford Bronco is infamous for several reasons. Not only was it the low-speed vehicle used by OJ Simpson to 'outrun' LA police following the death of Nicole Brown Simpson, it was also involved in the terrifying deaths of dozens of innocent motorists, due to its propensity to roll over while cornering.
The Bronco II's primary weapon against humanity was its high centre of gravity. Those foolish enough to go around a bend in this thing ran the risk of rolling over, bouncing around in its innards like a human ping-pong ball, and dying slowly inside the mangled metal tomb.
Statistics show that, during the 1980s, the Bronco II claimed the lives of 70 people a year, simply because they attempted to go around a bend. A report by the US Insurance Institute for Highway Safety concluded that the rear-wheel-drive Bronco II caused the highest fatality rate in roll-over accidents of any vehicle ever studied.
The report noted 3.78 deaths for every 10,000 registered Broncos, meaning you were more likely to be killed driving one of these cars than riding a bicycle.
2. Ford Pinto
The term 'death trap' gets bandied about all too regularly, but it's a fitting description for many 1970s American cars. The Ford Pinto, for example, had a major design flaw that meant the fuel-filler neck would break off and puncture the fuel tank in the event of a rear-end impact, causing a fuel leak and fire. Worse, the same impact would cause the Pinto's doors to jam against the frame, trapping passengers inside the vehicle shortly before it exploded.
Dozens of men, women and children died inside Pintos, leading to a public outcry in 1974. Despite this, the Pinto somehow managed to avoid being recalled and went on to terrify the American public for another four years before Ford relented and fixed its problems.
1. Bugatti Veyron
The most lethal vehicle on our list by far has to be the world's fastest car, the Bugatti Veyron, for several reasons. Firstly, it's so frighteningly quick, that, if everyone drove one, every single one of us would have crashed and burned within a week.
Secondly, the car consumes an obscene amount of fuel. Travelling at its 253mph top speed, the Veyron achieves fuel economy of just 2.3mpg and can empty an entire fuel tank in as little as 12 minutes and within 51 miles. The Veyron's thirst plays a big part in the West's dependency on foreign oil.
More serious, however, is the fact the Veyron is so poisonous to the environment that it makes Hummers and Ferraris look like the G-Wiz. When cruising out of town, along highways and the like, the Veyron emits a whopping 373g of carbon dioxide per kilometre. But, when it encounters traffic around town, it vomits a frankly terrifying 999g/km, as much as 11 Toyota Priuses.
If that doesn't sound like much, then let us put it into context. Every time this car completes a loop of the M25 ring road, it has the potential to emit nearly 30 stones of poisonous guff -- that's nearly 18 Kylie Minogues.
With its voracious thirst for fuel, over-the-top carbon emissions, and potential to kill people at ridiculously high velocities, we crown the Bugatti Veyron the world's most evil car.